You asked why I am “not looking for someone right now”, and I have spent a few days meditating on the answer. Sometimes an idea or change in perception percolates up from deep inside me and I begin to live from it without really knowing. It is a process that I trust, because I have done a lot of the healing work necessary to ensure that when change wells up from within me it is a natural part of the rhythm of my growth rather than a reaction to it.
One of my favorite spiritual authors – Marianne Williamson – has written a book called A Woman’s Worth which is a book I believe every woman should read. (And any man who loves women for that matter.) It is a book that articulates much of what I believed about being a woman but had not yet had the courage to speak. A good part of the book, of course, is about partnership. One point she makes, and one that I have always resisted strongly for many reasons, is that “Marriage is not a mere convention, but it is often lived as one and, as such, will sink instead of uplift a woman’s spirit.” However, more recently I have begun to wonder how I have allowed my partnerships to impact my wild spirit. How I have chosen to be silent when faced with the fear that my expression would not be welcomed? In a time of my life when I am coming to understand that the greatest gift any of us have to offer the universe is the truest possible expression of Who We Are I am not sure that another foray into relationship is the best option for me. I have a lot to say, and for whatever reason I have consistently chosen men in my life who didn’t want to hear it. Please do not read this as blame, that’s not what I am saying, but rather find myself in a space of wondering why I have lived in a way that is so committed to being less of me…
Ms. Williamson does not suggest that it is men who have kept us down. I think that’s what drew me to her writing in the most powerful way. I have no time for an ideology of feminine power that has as its foundation a criticism, either tacit or explicit, of men. She also says in her book “
When we are very clear we WANT to shine then we attract into our lives the kinds of relationships that help us do that. Until a woman has given herself permission to be fabulous, she will not find herself with partners who promote her ability to be so. As long as she tears herself down, she will attract people who tear her down; she will find others who agree that she is un-deserving and lacking as long as that is how she thinks of herself. … So we’re left with a commitment to being a certain kind of woman before worrying about finding a certain kind of man.”
My commitment to being a certain kind of woman is new-ish, and tentative… I’m not sure that I am interested in the kind of person who might be attracted into my life right now. But I thank you for asking the question. It has provided me with an opportunity to clarify where I am for myself.
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