Two-thirds of the Way

Over the Hump

There is a point, approximately two thirds of the way through any course of action where I falter.  Fear, uncertainty, exhaustion… there are many names for the faltering.  Whatever the reason – I falter.  I wonder if I am going the right direction.  I question my ability to see it through.  I ask God for a CLEARER memo about what it is I am supposed to do.  It happened with both degrees.  It happened with every single class I took.  It happened 2/3 of the way through the delivery of both my children – and of course there was no turning back then.  It has happened in relationships, both intimate relationships and friendships.  It happens every time I get part way through another set of the 12 steps.  It happens, over and over again, it has happened.  So, why does it still take me by surprise EVERY TIME?  Why do I get so caught up in the questions?  Because the questions are part of the process.  Because the questions are part of the experience.  Because the questions lead me to answers I wouldn’t find otherwise.  Interesting, as I look back over the list of times it has happened, how very much I value the things I have received by pushing through.

I used to run.  I used to quit.  I have a marvelous ability to convince myself that my fears are real and that the task is too big.  However, at some point in the past 8 years, probably about 2/3 of the way through my second degree, I began to see the pattern.  I began to question the conclusions.  I began to push past the fear.  Success is more frequent now.  Integrity is a bit easier, because I’m not always fighting with myself.  I still feel it, the prick of fear, the rumble of anxiety.  I ask the questions, I reach out to those who believe in me more than I believe in myself.  Eventually though it comes down to this:  remember the decision, ask myself was it carefully and prayerfully made, and did I feel PEACE with the decision to do what I’m doing when I began?  If the answer to all these questions is “yes” then the best probable course of action is to push through.  To remember that more often than not faith is a CHOICE not a feeling.  I never have been allowed to see beyond what is directly in front of me… but I have been told, and shown, and shown again that all my tomorrows are in much bigger hands than mine.

So today, two thirds of the way through the process, I will move forward trusting that all the questions will be answered in due time, in the right time, and that I will be there sooner than I think.