“Don’t you get it?” She asked quietly, “There’s more here than meets the eye.” I sigh, avoiding her gaze, keeping busy to save myself from falling into those forever eyes. I feel her gentle smile, because I’m still not looking at her – too tuned in to her to ignore her entirely. I have, after all, spent days, weeks, months even seeking after this oh-so-elusive beauty. Her presence fills me, I sit up straighter… quiet falls in the center of my being. We smile together. Somehow I know it will all be okay – whatever it is. I am not alone. I sigh again, a sigh of release, a sigh that transforms into a deep breath of letting go.
“I don’t know how to do this.” I tell her, confused but not afraid.
“Why would you?” she asks, “When have you ever done this before?”
Never. At least not in my conscious memory. Perhaps there was a time… way back before I thought I knew anything that I could be this simple… simply be. But it has been a long time. Yet the way is not hard, it is not in doing, but in being. It is not in acting, but in sitting quietly and soaking up the truth of Who I Am.
I see glimpses of me in one woman, and I am drawn to her. I see reflections of my self in another, and she takes my breath away. Yet it is me, the blue eyed, curly haired sprite to whom I am drawn. This whole journey – life, recovery – has been about finding my way back to me, back to that still center. Back to those blue eyes and freckles, back to an almost limitless ability to love, back to unquenchable optimism and abundant hope, back to joyful laughter and giggles of delight.
I turn to look at her now and she smiles shyly, a bit taken aback by my direct stare. She blushes, naked to me and aware, perhaps for the first time, of that nakedness. I wrap her in a soft blanket of midnight blue – the blue of a midnight desert night – and we smile. This will be good, our union, me with my self. It will soften me, and toughen me. It will allow me to relax more and give me direction and courage to move forward. I will cherish her, because she has been waiting a lifetime for me to just acknowledge her. I will give her room to be her sparkly, delightful self.
I will not ask her to wait while I beat down the resistance of yet one more person who doesn’t love me as I am. I will let them all go and delight instead in my own beauty and grace. I will discover more of Who I Am and I will dance me through my days. God helping me, I will continue to become – to discover – to grow. And Sue will know how very much I love her – may I find new ways every day to show myself how very precious I am.
Tsunamisue's Blog 